I am leaving Chicago at the end of this month. I have worked out my two weeks notice at my job and am finishing wrapping up a summer-long film. In the meantime, I have been packing, stress-eating, planning, and stress-eating some more.
What is my plan (I hear you cry)...it is to stay in NY for a bit over a month and then leave for a trip around Europe in late November that could last anywhere from 3 months to a year. But the future plans, although present on my mind have been surpassed recently by what I have done while in Chicago.
As much as I have not enjoyed my time in the corrupt state of Illinois, I have accomplished quite a lot when you look at specific examples. My goal when coming to Chicago was three-fold:
1) Get a callback (I got multiple.)
2) Get a part in a play (within the first 2 months I had been cast in Little Women)
3) Get paid for acting (Also check! I did not think this one would be possible.)
So yes, I accomplished all of my goals! I also did many films (both long and short) and learned a shit-ton about "the biz". I also felt much more comfortable with auditions (both monologues and cold readings) by the end of my stay. So from that perspective, Chicago was good to me...some may even take from this perspective that I should stay in Chi-Town. It's all in the perspective really.
If I was in a down mood, however, I could remember that I did not get many roles in theater. Or that my boyfriend and I broke up here. That my car has dents, scraps, and cracks thanks to the stress-ridden traffic I drove in. That it was lonelier and harder than anyone had prepared me for.
But that's a different side that I can choose to focus on or not. I try to focus on the accomplishments more though.
People have asked me if I think I will find my way back to Chicago one day. And, honestly, right now, I don't. If a genie was suddenly to crop up and say, "You are cursed to never see Chicago (or indeed the Midwest) ever again!"...I wouldn't give one measly little shit. There are many other genie-approved places that I can't wait to visit and I don't see the sense in spending more time in a land I have already traversed and found lacking.
Good bye Chicago! Hello World!
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
The Faith of a Cynic
Warning: This post will be a bit lacking in acting quandaries and pondering, so if that's what you were looking for, look elsewhere.
In interviews a lot of famous actors (and mere mortals as well) will often spout how important it is to believe in yourself and have faith in order to reach your goals. For years, I've always scoffed at this concept.
They just got lucky! They had lots of money and training and beauty! What a load of shit!
Scoff, scoff, scoff. Ms. Scoffer...that's me.
Faith was always incomprehensible to me. I think that I lumped faith in anything (deity or not) into the religion bucket of my brain and was steadily avoided neurologically due to my stalwart atheism. (Which is stupid as FUCK by the way!)
So I didn't grow up believing in anything. My life view was "Shit happens" (what eloquence!).
I always viewed life as a constant trudge. Merely something to get on with until I reached that illusive peak of whatever goal I was focusing on (mainly acting, in my case). I had this idea that my goals were everything I needed to make me happy and that everything else was merely sprinkles on the sundae. Not necessary but needed for a touch of color or added zip!
And I expected that attitude to be enough to make me happy. To reach my goals!
So during college, what did Ms. Focused Scoffer do? (now you know my first name too) I focused extensively on doing well in working toward my goals. Goody for me, right?
But what I also did was let my friendships fall to the way side. I felt that I wasn't really close to them anyway and that that was just the nature of our relationship (of, hell, relationships, in general). It didn't occur to me that I was the one crippling our closeness. I was the one prioritizing everything else besides them.
To be blunt: I thought that although my friends were fun, they weren't that important to me. I could live without them.
And then I moved over 9 hours away. From them all. To a place with no friends and, let me tell you, the past 10ish months in Chicago have been some of the toughest I've ever had.
It's hard to articulate what it felt like to suddenly be pulled so far away from that support system of love I'd taken for granted for so many years. That rope of connection we all had was stretched hundreds of miles and I wasn't even aware of how much of a life line it was for me prior to my move.
But this past weekend, I got to visit to them all again and it made me realize all the things there are to have faith in!
We often avoid telling people in our lives what they mean to us and so much goes unsaid and I'm not going to do that anymore.
Life can be pretty bleak when the only thing in it is you and your little dreams that haven't happened yet and all those little niggly voices in your head telling you everything they don't believe in.
But thanks to them, I understand the world better. I understand love and loss in ways I never grasped before. I understand them better and, thus, understand myself. They push me to ask questions and find a better way to see the world. They are my booster shot of happiness virus.
As many will corroborate, I am not one for sappy-ness in any form besides on my pancakes but this is how much my friends mean to me. (Ms. Scoffer would normally snigger at this, but she's been put in the corner to think about what she's done.)
And although we are all still hundreds of miles (or even thousands, in some cases) away from each other I now know that we will continue to grow and better ourselves thanks to our friendship.
I now see how much there is to believe in. I don't know exactly what I believe in yet.
I am still nailing down the specifics...but I know it has something to do with love, friends and family. And I still don't believe entirely in myself either, but I think this is a great place to begin.
My friends are important. I am better for having known them. I love them.
And I believe in my friends.
-B
In interviews a lot of famous actors (and mere mortals as well) will often spout how important it is to believe in yourself and have faith in order to reach your goals. For years, I've always scoffed at this concept.
They just got lucky! They had lots of money and training and beauty! What a load of shit!
Scoff, scoff, scoff. Ms. Scoffer...that's me.
Faith was always incomprehensible to me. I think that I lumped faith in anything (deity or not) into the religion bucket of my brain and was steadily avoided neurologically due to my stalwart atheism. (Which is stupid as FUCK by the way!)
So I didn't grow up believing in anything. My life view was "Shit happens" (what eloquence!).
I always viewed life as a constant trudge. Merely something to get on with until I reached that illusive peak of whatever goal I was focusing on (mainly acting, in my case). I had this idea that my goals were everything I needed to make me happy and that everything else was merely sprinkles on the sundae. Not necessary but needed for a touch of color or added zip!
And I expected that attitude to be enough to make me happy. To reach my goals!
So during college, what did Ms. Focused Scoffer do? (now you know my first name too) I focused extensively on doing well in working toward my goals. Goody for me, right?
But what I also did was let my friendships fall to the way side. I felt that I wasn't really close to them anyway and that that was just the nature of our relationship (of, hell, relationships, in general). It didn't occur to me that I was the one crippling our closeness. I was the one prioritizing everything else besides them.
To be blunt: I thought that although my friends were fun, they weren't that important to me. I could live without them.
And then I moved over 9 hours away. From them all. To a place with no friends and, let me tell you, the past 10ish months in Chicago have been some of the toughest I've ever had.
It's hard to articulate what it felt like to suddenly be pulled so far away from that support system of love I'd taken for granted for so many years. That rope of connection we all had was stretched hundreds of miles and I wasn't even aware of how much of a life line it was for me prior to my move.
But this past weekend, I got to visit to them all again and it made me realize all the things there are to have faith in!
We often avoid telling people in our lives what they mean to us and so much goes unsaid and I'm not going to do that anymore.
Life can be pretty bleak when the only thing in it is you and your little dreams that haven't happened yet and all those little niggly voices in your head telling you everything they don't believe in.
But thanks to them, I understand the world better. I understand love and loss in ways I never grasped before. I understand them better and, thus, understand myself. They push me to ask questions and find a better way to see the world. They are my booster shot of happiness virus.
As many will corroborate, I am not one for sappy-ness in any form besides on my pancakes but this is how much my friends mean to me. (Ms. Scoffer would normally snigger at this, but she's been put in the corner to think about what she's done.)
And although we are all still hundreds of miles (or even thousands, in some cases) away from each other I now know that we will continue to grow and better ourselves thanks to our friendship.
I now see how much there is to believe in. I don't know exactly what I believe in yet.
I am still nailing down the specifics...but I know it has something to do with love, friends and family. And I still don't believe entirely in myself either, but I think this is a great place to begin.
My friends are important. I am better for having known them. I love them.
And I believe in my friends.
-B
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Man, I suck at blogging!
Once again I have gone on an unintended blogging hiatus due to
reasons that don't really exist, but I procrastinate so fuck it.
Rehearsals have begun gearing up for
the production of Twelfth Night I'm in and the performances have been
nailed down finally as well!
Aug: 7,8,14,15, 22 and 23. So it's going to be some hot and sweaty outdoor performances!
I
have also taken up a short Shakespeare Monologue class which I'm
loving. It's always a pleasure to be surrounded by students and teachers
who care so much about every detail of the works we study. It's
something I haven't been around in a while, unfortunately.
No idea whether I'm staying in Chicago past this summer yet, but I suppose I have time to decide.
I do know one thing and that is I need to become more
self-sufficient with my acting. Not only in terms of finding a
"preparation" that actually helps me prior to auditions, but also when
working on a project. Since working on films and shows, I'm starting to
see how much I lean on the direction I'm given as well as the energy of
my co-star. It's why I think I don't do as well in cold-reading
auditions.
In other words, (aka Metaphor time) I
have difficulties taking a hunk of clay and shaping it into a tea
pot and instead hand in a lump with a handle on it. I am just hoping
that the clay people (shut up, I'm trying to make this shitty metaphor
work) see enough of a teapot to go, hey we can help you make that hold
tea. Make sense?
I need to start going in with a
fucking Victorian-ass teapot and as of right now, I haven't been able to
do that. Even on set, I know that my best takes for a film I shoot will
be the ones towards the end after I have gotten distinct direction and
become more comfortable with my scene partner.
Speaking
of which, working with my fellow actors also tends to fuck me up. If
they seem to really know what they're doing, I can get intimidated and
lock up. If they have no idea what they're doing, then I either feel
inclined to help them (which distracts me from me) or ignore their
shortcomings (thus not responding to what they may throw my way in a
scene and rendering me confused).
When I find a
great scene partner, it makes my audition or scene or whatever the fuck
has brought us together. But I'm tired of waiting for luck to smile upon
me. I need to be able to be a lovely clay teapot regardless of what
clay creature is coming in with me.
So I've got something to work towards.
You know...teapots and that.
-B
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
All the way to Urbana for a one-night stand?!
Those of my readers who are classic film buffs (you know who you are) will recognize my title as a line from the comedic gem
Some Like It Hot.
After Joe accepts the offer to drive hours away from Chicago for a gig, his partner Jerry cries, “All the way to Urbana for a one night stand?” Joe replies, “It’s 12 dollars. We can get one of the overcoats out of hock.” They of course never make it to Urbana, because…well if you haven’t seen this movie go fucking watch it right now!
After Joe accepts the offer to drive hours away from Chicago for a gig, his partner Jerry cries, “All the way to Urbana for a one night stand?” Joe replies, “It’s 12 dollars. We can get one of the overcoats out of hock.” They of course never make it to Urbana, because…well if you haven’t seen this movie go fucking watch it right now!
I have been feeling a bit like Jerry these days. Only I don't have the justification of getting $12 for my effort!
In the past 2 weeks I have driven to Indiana and two suburbs of Illinois for either an audition or a show to review. The reviews I don’t mind as much, because it is a free ticket to a show I otherwise wouldn’t see. But when it comes to auditions, it really sucks.
When I peruse the audition listings of Chicago it irritates the shit out of me to see the many casting calls in da burbs and the dirth of those in Chicago (like in the city). I get that city space is expensive to rent, but when I was told Chicago was a great theater town I thought it meant Chicago! Not the fucking suburbs. If I wanted to work in the suburbs and have to commute for an hour, I would’ve stayed on the east coast where at least I knew people.
In the past 2 weeks I have driven to Indiana and two suburbs of Illinois for either an audition or a show to review. The reviews I don’t mind as much, because it is a free ticket to a show I otherwise wouldn’t see. But when it comes to auditions, it really sucks.
When I peruse the audition listings of Chicago it irritates the shit out of me to see the many casting calls in da burbs and the dirth of those in Chicago (like in the city). I get that city space is expensive to rent, but when I was told Chicago was a great theater town I thought it meant Chicago! Not the fucking suburbs. If I wanted to work in the suburbs and have to commute for an hour, I would’ve stayed on the east coast where at least I knew people.
Obviously not all theaters in the suburbs are
community places, but it’s difficult to
tell the professional from the amateur. There’s also monetary issues to
consider. Granted I pay to use the CTA to get to
any inner city audition I attend, but that is a different expense than
if I am cast in a show in say Waukegan and have to drive 1-1.5 hrs
multiple times a week for rehearsals. This is entirely speculative,
because A) I don’t often audition in the suburbs, B)
I don’t often audition at all and C) I don’t often get parts these
fucking days!!
Sorry, I’m a little artistically frustrated.
So here I am weeding through the audition listings and kicking myself if I accidentally submit for an audition an hour away.
Maybe I shouldn't be so picky, but hey! Offer me $12 and maybe we'll have a deal!
So here I am weeding through the audition listings and kicking myself if I accidentally submit for an audition an hour away.
Maybe I shouldn't be so picky, but hey! Offer me $12 and maybe we'll have a deal!
Saturday, March 28, 2015
What am I doing? Where am I heading?
Since being faced with the dry spell I am currently in, I have been trying to focus my acting goals by asking myself what I actually want from my artistic career. I was never too concerned with what my specific goal was before throwing myself into post-college theater.
In retrospect that was probably fuck-all stupid.
I knew I wanted to act. In theater. That was all. Since moving to Chicago, I have felt like a total theater traditionalist and prude. I have realized how little interest I have in edgy new works or divised theater pieces. It is mainly because when I see or read new plays they have often been shit.
Which is a horrid generalization I know, but out of all the plays I have seen in Chicago they have all been new works. Only 3 of the 10 I've seen have been good.
Not fun odds for an audience member or actor. (And we wont mention the ones I've auditioned for and, thus, read. It's too painful.)
So anyway, I am trying to decide what I particularly want from my acting career to see if I am heading in the right direction. Due to my classic predilections when it comes to theater I've been reconsidering my attitude towards returning to school for a more intensive and, honestly, non-American acting eduction.
Schools across the pond seem, from the outsider's perspective, to be more firmly grounded in the classics and aware of their importance to present day creativity. Besides the fact that there are more hoops to jump through when applying to Irish and British schools, I have other reasons for hesitating.
I should not go back to school if it is merely in hopes of getting connections and creating a better environment after finishing the program.
I should go to school for the training. Pure and simple.
Too many people focus on schools/studios that have the biggest names in the business or have this connection to that theater company. But that isn't a good enough reason to spend a small fortune.
Being prestigious does not guarantee quality classes or that you will connect with their method of teaching.
Therefore, I am going to take a hard look at the programs across the pond and maybe try out a shorter 10 week course before committing to years of my life.
If anyone out there has any tips on acting & programs in the Anglo-Celtic Isles, I'd love to hear whatever you've got! Or anything acting related for that matter!
-B
In retrospect that was probably fuck-all stupid.
I knew I wanted to act. In theater. That was all. Since moving to Chicago, I have felt like a total theater traditionalist and prude. I have realized how little interest I have in edgy new works or divised theater pieces. It is mainly because when I see or read new plays they have often been shit.
Which is a horrid generalization I know, but out of all the plays I have seen in Chicago they have all been new works. Only 3 of the 10 I've seen have been good.
Not fun odds for an audience member or actor. (And we wont mention the ones I've auditioned for and, thus, read. It's too painful.)
So anyway, I am trying to decide what I particularly want from my acting career to see if I am heading in the right direction. Due to my classic predilections when it comes to theater I've been reconsidering my attitude towards returning to school for a more intensive and, honestly, non-American acting eduction.
Schools across the pond seem, from the outsider's perspective, to be more firmly grounded in the classics and aware of their importance to present day creativity. Besides the fact that there are more hoops to jump through when applying to Irish and British schools, I have other reasons for hesitating.
I should not go back to school if it is merely in hopes of getting connections and creating a better environment after finishing the program.
I should go to school for the training. Pure and simple.
Too many people focus on schools/studios that have the biggest names in the business or have this connection to that theater company. But that isn't a good enough reason to spend a small fortune.
Being prestigious does not guarantee quality classes or that you will connect with their method of teaching.
Therefore, I am going to take a hard look at the programs across the pond and maybe try out a shorter 10 week course before committing to years of my life.
If anyone out there has any tips on acting & programs in the Anglo-Celtic Isles, I'd love to hear whatever you've got! Or anything acting related for that matter!
-B
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Birds in Hands vs Bushes
"A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush"
This old maxim has been in my brain a lot since starting my acting career. In this ever changing world of the arts, this saying is particularly applicable. You can rarely trust that what you presently have will be around much longer. Even if you're cast in a "big break" kind of show, you can't just sit back and wait for the future work to pour in. You have to always be pursuing it.
This is not the situation I am presently in, but this is only a certain circumstance on a spectrum of related issues.
A few months ago, I auditioned and was cast in a production of The Man Who Came to Dinner. Why didn't I post about this great achievement? Because I didn't accept the role. I chose to put my money on better future projects coming along as opposed to spending months rehearsing in the suburbs for a minuscule part.
I know as well as any actor that famous quote about there being no such thing as a small part, but only small actors. Well this part was literally 3 lines and the lines were merely to serve as exposition for the audience. Not only this, but the company was about 40 mins by car away from my locale and was not a theater company that could be taken seriously.
All these details added up to me throwing that bird in my hand out the window and making my way to the nearby bushes.
But now I have looked through many bushes in Chicago for those birds I bet on months ago and there's no sign of them. Everytime I make one out, a different hand grabs them before I can.
So do I kick myself about snubbing that little part for this little actress? Eh. A bit. Not really.
But I am seeing that this isn't going to be the first time I will be gambling with my career. I had the same decision to make when I was cast in a Renaissance Fair in WI (which, by the way, happened). It's a long time commitment for the summer and with no pay and another long commute I was wondering where to place my bets.
I, ultimately, clung to this bird in my hand fiercely. As I realized that not only was this a life-long dream of mine, but also that the training I would be receiving for free was an invaluable opportunity I had to experience.
That, and the summer is notoriously dead for theater.
So, art is a gambling game. We need to be able to put up with the shit projects we do for "exposure", but also need to know when the shit is too shitty to handle.
This old maxim has been in my brain a lot since starting my acting career. In this ever changing world of the arts, this saying is particularly applicable. You can rarely trust that what you presently have will be around much longer. Even if you're cast in a "big break" kind of show, you can't just sit back and wait for the future work to pour in. You have to always be pursuing it.
This is not the situation I am presently in, but this is only a certain circumstance on a spectrum of related issues.
A few months ago, I auditioned and was cast in a production of The Man Who Came to Dinner. Why didn't I post about this great achievement? Because I didn't accept the role. I chose to put my money on better future projects coming along as opposed to spending months rehearsing in the suburbs for a minuscule part.
I know as well as any actor that famous quote about there being no such thing as a small part, but only small actors. Well this part was literally 3 lines and the lines were merely to serve as exposition for the audience. Not only this, but the company was about 40 mins by car away from my locale and was not a theater company that could be taken seriously.
All these details added up to me throwing that bird in my hand out the window and making my way to the nearby bushes.
But now I have looked through many bushes in Chicago for those birds I bet on months ago and there's no sign of them. Everytime I make one out, a different hand grabs them before I can.
So do I kick myself about snubbing that little part for this little actress? Eh. A bit. Not really.
But I am seeing that this isn't going to be the first time I will be gambling with my career. I had the same decision to make when I was cast in a Renaissance Fair in WI (which, by the way, happened). It's a long time commitment for the summer and with no pay and another long commute I was wondering where to place my bets.
I, ultimately, clung to this bird in my hand fiercely. As I realized that not only was this a life-long dream of mine, but also that the training I would be receiving for free was an invaluable opportunity I had to experience.
That, and the summer is notoriously dead for theater.
So, art is a gambling game. We need to be able to put up with the shit projects we do for "exposure", but also need to know when the shit is too shitty to handle.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Into The Land of Student Films...
So I recently got a subscription to ActorsAccess and am submitting left and right for student films. I auditioned for one role and then on Friday a director from a different student film that I had submitted for contacted me. He asked to see my reel (I only have a very homespun video right now of my final from On-Camera acting class). After having viewed it, he cast me in his film sans audition and we filmed most of Sunday!
It was great to finally be working again (and to continue doing so since we still have to finish the film). The timing was odd on Friday, because while this director was gambling on me after being impressed by my video, I received 2 other emails from productions I had auditioned for telling me they did not share his belief. I definitely had to ward off those voices that said "I could only be cast if I didn't have competition or an audition".
So I said "Fuck off" to those voices.
I was so happy to just have another Chicago credit to add to my resume and I was lucky enough that the script was good. I can't wait to continue shooting "The St. Patrick's Day Massacre" and I will update you all when it's done and viewable!
I think we all needed a bit of good news, don't you?
-B
P.S. I figured out my type regardless of the project. It's Irish. Who'd a thunk it?
It was great to finally be working again (and to continue doing so since we still have to finish the film). The timing was odd on Friday, because while this director was gambling on me after being impressed by my video, I received 2 other emails from productions I had auditioned for telling me they did not share his belief. I definitely had to ward off those voices that said "I could only be cast if I didn't have competition or an audition".
So I said "Fuck off" to those voices.
I was so happy to just have another Chicago credit to add to my resume and I was lucky enough that the script was good. I can't wait to continue shooting "The St. Patrick's Day Massacre" and I will update you all when it's done and viewable!
I think we all needed a bit of good news, don't you?
-B
P.S. I figured out my type regardless of the project. It's Irish. Who'd a thunk it?
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