Discipline

I started out strong...er. I was planning on (and basically was) practicing my monologues ever other day. I had found a bunch that were still age appropriate and so I began re-memorizing them.

And I did.

I began to remember what the pieces were like and I picked a new Shakespearean piece to add to my repertoire (Look, Ma, I'm a grown up now!).

But have I broken that new monologue down and begun my analysis? No. I haven't finished the play it comes from yet, so therefore can't work on the monologue itself. (This is how I work. Don't question it.)

As for those older pieces I was reacquainting myself with? Well, I have them both re-memorized and am feeling good about them.

I am not, however, practicing them weekly.

Fear has crept back into my discipline and eroded its stability. I think to myself, "I wont be able to audition the second I arrive in Chicago anyway...I need updated headshots first."*

* - There is a sub-excuse to this excuse of "I can't get my headshots until my hair grows out."

There's excuse #1. 

"One excuse not good enough for you, Ms. Disciplined Actor? Well then, here's some more," Fear tells me.

#2: You should get some connections in the area first by taking classes with the "right" people (if you can find them that is).

#3: You should get a job first and then focus on auditioning. Otherwise you wont have the money to pay for all those headshots and acting classes you're using for the other excuses.

I'm sure I (and Fear) could come up with some more reasons for not working on my craft regularly, but that's enough for now. Any more and I may have a panic attack.

So I have excuses now and I can come up with some other good ones for the future when 1-3 are no longer valid. Thinking this way has definitely made me understand why so many people forget about whatever dreams they have when emerging from school. It's hard work. Scary work.

I don't have any answers about how to overcome these excuses, but I'll keep trying. I guilt myself...it's one way to be disciplined (hey, it works for fitness!). I don't suggest it to anyone though and will one day grow out of that habit.

For now, all I can do is admit I'm slacking and pull my shit together. It's going to take some time, but it's got to happen at some point.

Why not now?

Just Not My "Type"

  There's a lot of talk about "type" in the acting world. Some say to ignore it and let directors decide, while others say it's an important factor to know about yourself. No matter which camp you agree with, the concept of "type" is particularly confusing if you've been acting before, during and after attending a university.

  The characters I played when college was a glistening dream on the horizon may not be the ones I can continue to play at the ripe-old age of 21. I needed to have age appropriate pieces for auditions and now that I've lost my baby fat, that monologue about being a ridiculed high-schooler needs to be chucked off the jetty.

  But what about the college years? I took advanced acting classes, why surely I found some new monologues for my new looks! Not if you were my "type".

  My type at my university was the strong, powerful woman. The number of monologues, roles and scenes I did where the character was the age of 30? Countless.

  Will I be cast as a 40 year old after school? No way in hell. So now I've got a bunch of pieces I can use in about 15 years time.

  Future me is so lucky.

  I don't dislike the stereotyping I got in school. It certainly made for some challenging, and interesting work. But this was one "type" in one place.

  On one visit to KCACTF (an American college theater festival), I took a great Shakespeare workshop. When the class was officially over, the teacher gave each student characters to look into for appropriate monologues. The names she suggested to me were a huge shock.

  "Desdemona. Juliet. Ophelia." And so on.

  I was coming from a school that pegged me as basically "the bitch" and here was an experienced Shakespearean teacher/director telling me I could play other than that. It was great to hear, but it also made me skeptical of the subjectivity of "type".

  "Type" is entirely dependent upon where you are, what is needed and who's casting you.

  My school had a good number of innocent waifs, but powerful women was what they needed. So I got shoved in that corner.

  Now, I don't let "type" stop me.

  Age and ethnicity (and even those have wiggle room) are the only characteristics that prevent me from approaching a part. My own range of skill is also a consideration, but I don't let stereotypes dictate what I can or cannot play.

  It's easy for me to not care about type. I'm one of the lucky actors who has relatively versatile looks. I'm also lucky as a woman because I'm thin-ish (granted, I workout to maintain it). My face is attractive enough to play a "beauty" (especially at a good distance away from an audience), but also odd enough to be put in a character role (my favorite).

  I have no idea what it's like for actors who need to have a certain physique or look to even be considered for the roles they want.

  A small, thin man will most likely be passed up for the role of Stanley in Streetcar and equally a huge, muscular man has limited options when auditioning.

  And don't even get me started on what female actors have to go through.

  I'm one of the lucky few. Or so I think now. Once I'm out auditioning regularly my thoughts may totally flip. I may find myself unlucky due to being too versatile. I'll find out sooner or later.

  But for now, screw "type" and do what pushes you. Otherwise, you'll end up the master of one kind of role and be lost when it comes to anything else.

Starting out...

  I'm moving to Chicago in little more than a month to pursue my goal of acting and I'm bat-shit scared. Not about moving to the Windy City filled with potential crime and evils unknown. I'm a born and raised New Yorker. I'm a metropolitan warrior.

  I'm scared of acting. I'm scared of getting up there in front of anywhere from 1-20 people and showing them what I can do. I'm a good actor. I won't flatter myself to say I'm phenomenal and won't degrade myself by saying I'm horrid. I'm good. Better than some and worse than others. I accept that.

   I've seen a lot of blogs out there where the actors writing them are perkily nervous about their choice of a career. I see articles everywhere about how to be confident and the negative mental habits you need to get rid of to obtain success in acting. 

None of it helps. The fear remains (to be overly dramatic).

  All these screaming, cyber megaphones don't do shit for me. They complain about worries after graduating from elite BFA programs or non-degree acting studios with acclamations drizzled on top . Even if they come from the sticks of East Jesus, they seem to have this abounding positivity and excitement about their "craft". That's great for them. No sarcasm intended. I'm jealous of their enthusiasm.

But what about those of us who are scared? Where should we look for camaraderie? 

  I say, it's okay to be scared. No, it isn't ideal and hopefully one day all us scardy cats will evolve into confident butterflies. Until that day, we need to push onward. Fear can't cripple our endeavors or acting skills. Instead, it must be put to work and force us to shove all those doubts up someone else's butt. Act fiercely and scare the shit out of your fears.

   The goal of this blog is to slowly answer all the questions regarding acting and "the business" I've accrued over the years. I also want to hear from other scared actors (or reformed butterflies) about their experiences in starting out and staying in this business of theater. I will post semi weekly on Wednesdays about what I'm working on, avoiding, hating, and loving most recently in acting. So whether or not you come back for more, I'll be here. Scared as shit. 

So no pressure....just guilt.