I'm Busy, Okay?!?

So I haven't posted in a while and a lot has happened (thankfully, I suppose).

I quit my job, I got a new job, I started an On-Camera class, I got an audition, I got a callback and, lastly, I got a role.

Those all spell "busy" for me and thus the lack of posting.

Getting the role of Amy March at my first Chicago audition for Little Women at 20% Theater was a kick in the pants. The good kind. Besides the mere fact that I got the role, the audition and callback experience was a great one! At my audition I actually felt connected to my monologue and that I had done an honest performance that I had been present in.

That never happens at auditions for me!! So that, in itself, was great!

The callback was a little more nerve wracking, but I had a great time getting to know some of my peers and really having fun with some cold readings (a task I haven't done for a while now).

Rehearsals start this week and I am so excited to get started, especially since we only have a month until we open! Welcome to the Big Time!

Oh and that whole name thing I was thinking about last you heard from me...it was a great asset to my audition and callback. Not only did in spur on discussion with the director during my audition ("where does your name come from?" etc), but also at the callbacks she remembered my name and me as opposed to everyone else who she had to have restate their names. So hey, whether weird or not, "Bellisant" is fucking memorable!

I will try to update more as the play begins and even talk about the world of On-Camera acting. However, as we have been working on commercials for the last 5 weeks there is not much to mention besides the need for your chin to be down and for you to be positive.

So that's my nut-shell and me. More soon! I promise.

What'd You Say Your Name Was Again?

So at a recent workshop, I was told by the teachers that my name was an issue. That agents/industry people would want me to change it to something easier to pronounce.

They weren't unkind. They were realistic and trying to be helpful.

My name is, after all, Bellisant Corcoran-Mathe. It's a zinger and I get why they brought it up. (The proper pronunciation sounds like Core-kren-May-th).

Let's get one thing straight though. I refuse to change my first name. It's taken me years to be comfortable with it and to have my friends call me that (not some warped version of it) and Hey!

It's fucking Bellisant?!?! It's so cool I don't need to add any numbers to it be an appropriate username.

As stripped of my individuality I may feel by the prospect of changing my last name in theatrical society, that feeling would be magnetized too greatly if I resorted to simplifying it even more.So it's staying.

Despite this, I was frustrated by this warranted news flash.

I hadn't necessarily loved my last name (or even my first name). I had always been aware of it's unpronounce-ability. It's been pronounced Cock-ren. Co-Core-ren. Math-ay. Mathy. Or just plain Math.

But it's my name. And even more so, It's my last name. I know a lot of people feel more defined by their first name than last, but I still have a connection to it. It serves as a banner for mothers who want their last name represented and not eliminated due to marriage. The "corcoran" also has a family story behind it.*

Besides the sentimental issues I'm running into I also need to assess the more practical points.

I really don't want to have to change my name legally since it will be a pain, but I know there may well be issues when it comes to getting paid for an acting gig or even (as one article mentioned) getting into doorman monitored studio spaces. So maybe it's too much of a hassle.

But the last few weeks since this workshop, I've been combing my mind for good last names.

I've delved into my favorite movies: Philadelphia Story...how about Lord? Or Haven? "Macaulay Connor's no home-spun tag, my pet."

Favorite books: Poirot = Bellisant Hastings (this is my choice only if I had a friend who could mutter in David Suchet's voice, "My dear Hastings.")

Irish heritage sites...French heritage sites...neither culture has the most pronounceable for 'Mericans.

It was fun coming up with them. And it was facinating to say the name out loud and immediately make a face of "meh" and chuck it off the jetty.

The sound of the name was so important as to whether it was considered or not. And mental connotations were a factor too (names can be like Rorschach tests).

All this has been surging in my mind and I've decided that I'm not going to risk going into an audition and fucking up my own name, "My name is Bellisant Cor...no, Langely."

So for now, I'll shorten it. Corcoran will do.

And everybody just better learn to pronounce it.

P.S. My mother says I'm not being foul-mouthed enough to warrant that self-proclaimed title for my blog. So this is for her...

FUCK 'EM!

*I shouldn't be a "corcoran". It was the name of my grandfather's step-father. I should in fact be a "Proulx" (pronounced "prue")...so another pronunciation nightmare for an audition monitor.

Chicago At Last

So I have finally arrived in Chicago last Saturday evening in a whirlwind of road tolls and stress . I spent the last week bouncing from apartment viewing to interview to Netflix and back again. All the while, my brain was waking me at ungodly hours reminding me of all my worries.

This weekend I took a workshop on the business of acting in Chicago and although I felt blessed by being given the opportunity so early in the game, when I left I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed.

Everyone was sweet, forthcoming and friendly to this blatant newbie and I took pages of notes that otherwise would have taken me years to learn. It was amazing meeting so many "full-time actors" and really inspired me to give it my all.

Throughout the workshop's question and answer portion, however, I didn't raise my hand.

"WHY NOT?" I hear a little person browsing this blog say.

While all the other comparably seasoned actors asked questions, I thought to myself, "You just got here, Bellisant, you must have so many questions. Say something." But only one question sat on the verge of my tongue waiting to be spoken...

How do you know if you're a good actor?

I didn't ask this, obviously, but I realized how big a concern it was for me. While everyone else was concerned they weren't booking the right jobs, I was worried I wasn't good enough to audition...not to be cast, but just to audition.

Now I don't want anyone to chime in with a comment and say, "How could you think that! You're an amazing actor!"

Not only does that do nothing to help (I am, after all, the one who has to have the confidence to audition, not my friends), but also I don't want to think I'm an "amazing" actor.

If I were to think I was the female Anthony Hopkins, a few things might occur:

Firstly, my confidence would be boosted (sure!), but it may translate into hubris and make more enemies than friends.

Secondly, it would probably set me up with a false sense of security and make me even lazier in honing my craft than I already am.

By knowing that I have much to learn about acting, it not only encourages me to take classes in pursuit of that pinnacle, but it allows acting to be about discovery.

Without that outlook, I may do the same acting shtick over and over without actually learning anything...

Without taking the time to notice the many facets I may be missing.

So I'm gonna go ahead and doubt myself.

After all, it would be oh so dull if I had confidence. And we can't have that!

Scheduling Motivation

So in the past few weeks I have not only scheduled my headshots, but also signed up for a workshop in Chicago. The workshop's subject is starting out in Chicago and the business of acting.

After signing up for both of these, I was met with congratulations a plenty.

There was a misinterpretation, however.

They thought I was motivated. Fearless even.

It was an interesting reaction since my inspiration to do both of these, albeit, pro-active things was fear.

I was scared that if I didn't schedule my headshots so that they glared at me from my calendar, I never would get them done. I'd just dawdle for months pretending I would use my old shots and never actually doing so.

And the workshop? As you can see, it isn't an acting workshop now is it.

I was too scared for that...so I signed up for a class that would give me a baby step into professional acting. In the hopes it would drown some of my worries. Granted, it is a perfect workshop for me to do merely a week after moving to the city.

But it doesn't require me to act and that's where my fear resides.

By shelling out so much money on workshops and headshots, it monetarily obligates me to audition me. If I don't, then I have extra guilt about the money wasted and that will hopefully motivate me to make it worth it.

So there's my reasoning. I may not be diving into the deep end, but I'm trying to at least plan for a professional career. One where I have what it takes and know what to do.

Then all I have to do...is do. Act.

Discipline

I started out strong...er. I was planning on (and basically was) practicing my monologues ever other day. I had found a bunch that were still age appropriate and so I began re-memorizing them.

And I did.

I began to remember what the pieces were like and I picked a new Shakespearean piece to add to my repertoire (Look, Ma, I'm a grown up now!).

But have I broken that new monologue down and begun my analysis? No. I haven't finished the play it comes from yet, so therefore can't work on the monologue itself. (This is how I work. Don't question it.)

As for those older pieces I was reacquainting myself with? Well, I have them both re-memorized and am feeling good about them.

I am not, however, practicing them weekly.

Fear has crept back into my discipline and eroded its stability. I think to myself, "I wont be able to audition the second I arrive in Chicago anyway...I need updated headshots first."*

* - There is a sub-excuse to this excuse of "I can't get my headshots until my hair grows out."

There's excuse #1. 

"One excuse not good enough for you, Ms. Disciplined Actor? Well then, here's some more," Fear tells me.

#2: You should get some connections in the area first by taking classes with the "right" people (if you can find them that is).

#3: You should get a job first and then focus on auditioning. Otherwise you wont have the money to pay for all those headshots and acting classes you're using for the other excuses.

I'm sure I (and Fear) could come up with some more reasons for not working on my craft regularly, but that's enough for now. Any more and I may have a panic attack.

So I have excuses now and I can come up with some other good ones for the future when 1-3 are no longer valid. Thinking this way has definitely made me understand why so many people forget about whatever dreams they have when emerging from school. It's hard work. Scary work.

I don't have any answers about how to overcome these excuses, but I'll keep trying. I guilt myself...it's one way to be disciplined (hey, it works for fitness!). I don't suggest it to anyone though and will one day grow out of that habit.

For now, all I can do is admit I'm slacking and pull my shit together. It's going to take some time, but it's got to happen at some point.

Why not now?

Just Not My "Type"

  There's a lot of talk about "type" in the acting world. Some say to ignore it and let directors decide, while others say it's an important factor to know about yourself. No matter which camp you agree with, the concept of "type" is particularly confusing if you've been acting before, during and after attending a university.

  The characters I played when college was a glistening dream on the horizon may not be the ones I can continue to play at the ripe-old age of 21. I needed to have age appropriate pieces for auditions and now that I've lost my baby fat, that monologue about being a ridiculed high-schooler needs to be chucked off the jetty.

  But what about the college years? I took advanced acting classes, why surely I found some new monologues for my new looks! Not if you were my "type".

  My type at my university was the strong, powerful woman. The number of monologues, roles and scenes I did where the character was the age of 30? Countless.

  Will I be cast as a 40 year old after school? No way in hell. So now I've got a bunch of pieces I can use in about 15 years time.

  Future me is so lucky.

  I don't dislike the stereotyping I got in school. It certainly made for some challenging, and interesting work. But this was one "type" in one place.

  On one visit to KCACTF (an American college theater festival), I took a great Shakespeare workshop. When the class was officially over, the teacher gave each student characters to look into for appropriate monologues. The names she suggested to me were a huge shock.

  "Desdemona. Juliet. Ophelia." And so on.

  I was coming from a school that pegged me as basically "the bitch" and here was an experienced Shakespearean teacher/director telling me I could play other than that. It was great to hear, but it also made me skeptical of the subjectivity of "type".

  "Type" is entirely dependent upon where you are, what is needed and who's casting you.

  My school had a good number of innocent waifs, but powerful women was what they needed. So I got shoved in that corner.

  Now, I don't let "type" stop me.

  Age and ethnicity (and even those have wiggle room) are the only characteristics that prevent me from approaching a part. My own range of skill is also a consideration, but I don't let stereotypes dictate what I can or cannot play.

  It's easy for me to not care about type. I'm one of the lucky actors who has relatively versatile looks. I'm also lucky as a woman because I'm thin-ish (granted, I workout to maintain it). My face is attractive enough to play a "beauty" (especially at a good distance away from an audience), but also odd enough to be put in a character role (my favorite).

  I have no idea what it's like for actors who need to have a certain physique or look to even be considered for the roles they want.

  A small, thin man will most likely be passed up for the role of Stanley in Streetcar and equally a huge, muscular man has limited options when auditioning.

  And don't even get me started on what female actors have to go through.

  I'm one of the lucky few. Or so I think now. Once I'm out auditioning regularly my thoughts may totally flip. I may find myself unlucky due to being too versatile. I'll find out sooner or later.

  But for now, screw "type" and do what pushes you. Otherwise, you'll end up the master of one kind of role and be lost when it comes to anything else.

Starting out...

  I'm moving to Chicago in little more than a month to pursue my goal of acting and I'm bat-shit scared. Not about moving to the Windy City filled with potential crime and evils unknown. I'm a born and raised New Yorker. I'm a metropolitan warrior.

  I'm scared of acting. I'm scared of getting up there in front of anywhere from 1-20 people and showing them what I can do. I'm a good actor. I won't flatter myself to say I'm phenomenal and won't degrade myself by saying I'm horrid. I'm good. Better than some and worse than others. I accept that.

   I've seen a lot of blogs out there where the actors writing them are perkily nervous about their choice of a career. I see articles everywhere about how to be confident and the negative mental habits you need to get rid of to obtain success in acting. 

None of it helps. The fear remains (to be overly dramatic).

  All these screaming, cyber megaphones don't do shit for me. They complain about worries after graduating from elite BFA programs or non-degree acting studios with acclamations drizzled on top . Even if they come from the sticks of East Jesus, they seem to have this abounding positivity and excitement about their "craft". That's great for them. No sarcasm intended. I'm jealous of their enthusiasm.

But what about those of us who are scared? Where should we look for camaraderie? 

  I say, it's okay to be scared. No, it isn't ideal and hopefully one day all us scardy cats will evolve into confident butterflies. Until that day, we need to push onward. Fear can't cripple our endeavors or acting skills. Instead, it must be put to work and force us to shove all those doubts up someone else's butt. Act fiercely and scare the shit out of your fears.

   The goal of this blog is to slowly answer all the questions regarding acting and "the business" I've accrued over the years. I also want to hear from other scared actors (or reformed butterflies) about their experiences in starting out and staying in this business of theater. I will post semi weekly on Wednesdays about what I'm working on, avoiding, hating, and loving most recently in acting. So whether or not you come back for more, I'll be here. Scared as shit. 

So no pressure....just guilt.