What'd You Say Your Name Was Again?

So at a recent workshop, I was told by the teachers that my name was an issue. That agents/industry people would want me to change it to something easier to pronounce.

They weren't unkind. They were realistic and trying to be helpful.

My name is, after all, Bellisant Corcoran-Mathe. It's a zinger and I get why they brought it up. (The proper pronunciation sounds like Core-kren-May-th).

Let's get one thing straight though. I refuse to change my first name. It's taken me years to be comfortable with it and to have my friends call me that (not some warped version of it) and Hey!

It's fucking Bellisant?!?! It's so cool I don't need to add any numbers to it be an appropriate username.

As stripped of my individuality I may feel by the prospect of changing my last name in theatrical society, that feeling would be magnetized too greatly if I resorted to simplifying it even more.So it's staying.

Despite this, I was frustrated by this warranted news flash.

I hadn't necessarily loved my last name (or even my first name). I had always been aware of it's unpronounce-ability. It's been pronounced Cock-ren. Co-Core-ren. Math-ay. Mathy. Or just plain Math.

But it's my name. And even more so, It's my last name. I know a lot of people feel more defined by their first name than last, but I still have a connection to it. It serves as a banner for mothers who want their last name represented and not eliminated due to marriage. The "corcoran" also has a family story behind it.*

Besides the sentimental issues I'm running into I also need to assess the more practical points.

I really don't want to have to change my name legally since it will be a pain, but I know there may well be issues when it comes to getting paid for an acting gig or even (as one article mentioned) getting into doorman monitored studio spaces. So maybe it's too much of a hassle.

But the last few weeks since this workshop, I've been combing my mind for good last names.

I've delved into my favorite movies: Philadelphia Story...how about Lord? Or Haven? "Macaulay Connor's no home-spun tag, my pet."

Favorite books: Poirot = Bellisant Hastings (this is my choice only if I had a friend who could mutter in David Suchet's voice, "My dear Hastings.")

Irish heritage sites...French heritage sites...neither culture has the most pronounceable for 'Mericans.

It was fun coming up with them. And it was facinating to say the name out loud and immediately make a face of "meh" and chuck it off the jetty.

The sound of the name was so important as to whether it was considered or not. And mental connotations were a factor too (names can be like Rorschach tests).

All this has been surging in my mind and I've decided that I'm not going to risk going into an audition and fucking up my own name, "My name is Bellisant Cor...no, Langely."

So for now, I'll shorten it. Corcoran will do.

And everybody just better learn to pronounce it.

P.S. My mother says I'm not being foul-mouthed enough to warrant that self-proclaimed title for my blog. So this is for her...

FUCK 'EM!

*I shouldn't be a "corcoran". It was the name of my grandfather's step-father. I should in fact be a "Proulx" (pronounced "prue")...so another pronunciation nightmare for an audition monitor.

Chicago At Last

So I have finally arrived in Chicago last Saturday evening in a whirlwind of road tolls and stress . I spent the last week bouncing from apartment viewing to interview to Netflix and back again. All the while, my brain was waking me at ungodly hours reminding me of all my worries.

This weekend I took a workshop on the business of acting in Chicago and although I felt blessed by being given the opportunity so early in the game, when I left I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed.

Everyone was sweet, forthcoming and friendly to this blatant newbie and I took pages of notes that otherwise would have taken me years to learn. It was amazing meeting so many "full-time actors" and really inspired me to give it my all.

Throughout the workshop's question and answer portion, however, I didn't raise my hand.

"WHY NOT?" I hear a little person browsing this blog say.

While all the other comparably seasoned actors asked questions, I thought to myself, "You just got here, Bellisant, you must have so many questions. Say something." But only one question sat on the verge of my tongue waiting to be spoken...

How do you know if you're a good actor?

I didn't ask this, obviously, but I realized how big a concern it was for me. While everyone else was concerned they weren't booking the right jobs, I was worried I wasn't good enough to audition...not to be cast, but just to audition.

Now I don't want anyone to chime in with a comment and say, "How could you think that! You're an amazing actor!"

Not only does that do nothing to help (I am, after all, the one who has to have the confidence to audition, not my friends), but also I don't want to think I'm an "amazing" actor.

If I were to think I was the female Anthony Hopkins, a few things might occur:

Firstly, my confidence would be boosted (sure!), but it may translate into hubris and make more enemies than friends.

Secondly, it would probably set me up with a false sense of security and make me even lazier in honing my craft than I already am.

By knowing that I have much to learn about acting, it not only encourages me to take classes in pursuit of that pinnacle, but it allows acting to be about discovery.

Without that outlook, I may do the same acting shtick over and over without actually learning anything...

Without taking the time to notice the many facets I may be missing.

So I'm gonna go ahead and doubt myself.

After all, it would be oh so dull if I had confidence. And we can't have that!