Chicago At Last

So I have finally arrived in Chicago last Saturday evening in a whirlwind of road tolls and stress . I spent the last week bouncing from apartment viewing to interview to Netflix and back again. All the while, my brain was waking me at ungodly hours reminding me of all my worries.

This weekend I took a workshop on the business of acting in Chicago and although I felt blessed by being given the opportunity so early in the game, when I left I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed.

Everyone was sweet, forthcoming and friendly to this blatant newbie and I took pages of notes that otherwise would have taken me years to learn. It was amazing meeting so many "full-time actors" and really inspired me to give it my all.

Throughout the workshop's question and answer portion, however, I didn't raise my hand.

"WHY NOT?" I hear a little person browsing this blog say.

While all the other comparably seasoned actors asked questions, I thought to myself, "You just got here, Bellisant, you must have so many questions. Say something." But only one question sat on the verge of my tongue waiting to be spoken...

How do you know if you're a good actor?

I didn't ask this, obviously, but I realized how big a concern it was for me. While everyone else was concerned they weren't booking the right jobs, I was worried I wasn't good enough to audition...not to be cast, but just to audition.

Now I don't want anyone to chime in with a comment and say, "How could you think that! You're an amazing actor!"

Not only does that do nothing to help (I am, after all, the one who has to have the confidence to audition, not my friends), but also I don't want to think I'm an "amazing" actor.

If I were to think I was the female Anthony Hopkins, a few things might occur:

Firstly, my confidence would be boosted (sure!), but it may translate into hubris and make more enemies than friends.

Secondly, it would probably set me up with a false sense of security and make me even lazier in honing my craft than I already am.

By knowing that I have much to learn about acting, it not only encourages me to take classes in pursuit of that pinnacle, but it allows acting to be about discovery.

Without that outlook, I may do the same acting shtick over and over without actually learning anything...

Without taking the time to notice the many facets I may be missing.

So I'm gonna go ahead and doubt myself.

After all, it would be oh so dull if I had confidence. And we can't have that!