What am I doing? Where am I heading?

Since being faced with the dry spell I am currently in, I have been trying to focus my acting goals by asking myself what I actually want from my artistic career. I was never too concerned with what my specific goal was before throwing myself into post-college theater.

In retrospect that was probably fuck-all stupid.

I knew I wanted to act. In theater. That was all. Since moving to Chicago, I have felt like a total theater traditionalist and prude. I have realized how little interest I have in edgy new works or divised theater pieces. It is mainly because when I see or read new plays they have often been shit.

Which is a horrid generalization I know, but out of all the plays I have seen in Chicago they have all been new works. Only 3 of the 10 I've seen have been good.

Not fun odds for an audience member or actor. (And we wont mention the ones I've auditioned for and, thus, read. It's too painful.)

So anyway, I am trying to decide what I particularly want from my acting career to see if I am heading in the right direction. Due to my classic predilections when it comes to theater I've been reconsidering my attitude towards returning to school for a more intensive and, honestly, non-American acting eduction.

Schools across the pond seem, from the outsider's perspective, to be more firmly grounded in the classics and aware of their importance to present day creativity. Besides the fact that there are more hoops to jump through when applying to Irish and British schools, I have other reasons for hesitating.
 I should not go back to school if it is merely in hopes of getting connections and creating a better environment after finishing the program.

I should go to school for the training. Pure and simple.

Too many people focus on schools/studios that have the biggest names in the business or have this connection to that theater company. But that isn't a good enough reason to spend a small fortune.

Being prestigious does not guarantee quality classes or that you will connect with their method of teaching.

Therefore, I am going to take a hard look at the programs across the pond and maybe try out a shorter 10 week course before committing to years of my life.

If anyone out there has any tips on acting & programs in the Anglo-Celtic Isles, I'd love to hear whatever you've got! Or anything acting related for that matter!

-B

Birds in Hands vs Bushes

"A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush"

This old maxim has been in my brain a lot since starting my acting career. In this ever changing world of the arts, this saying is particularly applicable. You can rarely trust that what you presently have will be around much longer. Even if you're cast in a "big break" kind of show, you can't just sit back and wait for the future work to pour in. You have to always be pursuing it.

This is not the situation I am presently in, but this is only a certain circumstance on a spectrum of related issues.

A few months ago, I auditioned and was cast in a production of The Man Who Came to Dinner. Why didn't I post about this great achievement? Because I didn't accept the role. I chose to put my money on better future projects coming along as opposed to spending months rehearsing in the suburbs for a minuscule part.

I know as well as any actor that famous quote about there being no such thing as a small part, but only small actors. Well this part was literally 3 lines and the lines were merely to serve as exposition for the audience. Not only this, but the company was about 40 mins by car away from my locale and was not a theater company that could be taken seriously.

All these details added up to me throwing that bird in my hand out the window and making my way to the nearby bushes.

But now I have looked through many bushes in Chicago for those birds I bet on months ago and there's no sign of them. Everytime I make one out, a different hand grabs them before I can.

So do I kick myself about snubbing that little part for this little actress? Eh. A bit. Not really.

But I am seeing that this isn't going to be the first time I will be gambling with my career. I had the same decision to make when I was cast in a Renaissance Fair in WI (which, by the way, happened). It's a long time commitment for the summer and with no pay and another long commute I was wondering where to place my bets.

I, ultimately, clung to this bird in my hand fiercely. As I realized that not only was this a life-long dream of mine, but also that the training I would be receiving for free was an invaluable opportunity I had to experience.

That, and the summer is notoriously dead for theater.

So, art is a gambling game. We need to be able to put up with the shit projects we do for "exposure", but also need to know when the shit is too shitty to handle.

Into The Land of Student Films...

So I recently got a subscription to ActorsAccess and am submitting left and right for student films. I auditioned for one role and then on Friday a director from a different student film that I had submitted for contacted me. He asked to see my reel (I only have a very homespun video right now of my final from On-Camera acting class). After having viewed it, he cast me in his film sans audition and we filmed most of Sunday!

It was great to finally be working again (and to continue doing so since we still have to finish the film). The timing was odd on Friday, because while this director was gambling on me after being impressed by my video, I received 2 other emails from productions I had auditioned for telling me they did not share his belief. I definitely had to ward off those voices that said "I could only be cast if I didn't have competition or an audition".

So I said "Fuck off" to those voices.

I was so happy to just have another Chicago credit to add to my resume and I was lucky enough that the script was good. I can't wait to continue shooting "The St. Patrick's Day Massacre" and I will update you all when it's done and viewable!

 I think we all needed a bit of good news, don't you?

-B

P.S. I figured out my type regardless of the project. It's Irish. Who'd a thunk it?

A Post! Finally!

I'm a horrible blogger. Lately I think I am a horrible anything, but that's beside the point. I'm not good at consistently posting my thoughts on acting (or anything really).

That being said, not much has been happening for me acting wise in the past few months. I've auditioned to multiple shows with a callback here and there but ultimately I haven't been cast in anything. I am still waiting to hear about a few shows, so we shall see. My main trouble has been to even get audition slots. I guess there isn't much room in Chicago's theater world for young, white girls with limited experience. What a shocker! It seems a lot of the male actors I talk to don't have this trouble. As one friend said, "It's a totally different world for female actors." Amen to that.

Being a white, little girl in theater is probably the most generic type you can be. I am lucky enough to not have a more average hair color, but I am still a sugar cookie in an artisanal world of baking! When I go through auditions, if they aren't looking for men then it's African American females or older women. Or it's a fucking musical that also happens to be in the goddamn suburbs! Or or or or....

As much as I'm aware that there is a huge pool of talent that I am swimming in right now, I can't help but think that I'm doing something wrong. That my resume isn't good. (Which is true due to my lack of experience which I can't do anything about yet!)

I feel that I must suck as an actor or that my monologues don't show my potential. The latter I don't really think is true, but who knows about the former. As many Backstage articles I may read about auditioning and as many quotes I see from famous actors about "making it", it's still me who has to go into that audition and put it all into practice.

I haven't taken any classes since my last one because none have seemed right for me. The last one I think was a stupid mistake since it was on something I wasn't all that interested in and I had chose it basically to please the people who had suggested Acting Studio Chicago to me. Obviously, I didn't enjoy the class much. Another shocker! I also don't want to spend another $400+ on a class that may or may not help me. Until I find one that I am excited for and not just doing because everybody else tells me to, I will cynically hoard my $400 in my cigar box.

So maybe I'm fucking myself over and maybe I just have yet to find shows that need what I can offer. In the mean time, I will try to write my blog more often in anticipation for that lovely show that will once again take up all of my time. Oh the dreams I have!

-B

I'm Busy, Okay?!?

So I haven't posted in a while and a lot has happened (thankfully, I suppose).

I quit my job, I got a new job, I started an On-Camera class, I got an audition, I got a callback and, lastly, I got a role.

Those all spell "busy" for me and thus the lack of posting.

Getting the role of Amy March at my first Chicago audition for Little Women at 20% Theater was a kick in the pants. The good kind. Besides the mere fact that I got the role, the audition and callback experience was a great one! At my audition I actually felt connected to my monologue and that I had done an honest performance that I had been present in.

That never happens at auditions for me!! So that, in itself, was great!

The callback was a little more nerve wracking, but I had a great time getting to know some of my peers and really having fun with some cold readings (a task I haven't done for a while now).

Rehearsals start this week and I am so excited to get started, especially since we only have a month until we open! Welcome to the Big Time!

Oh and that whole name thing I was thinking about last you heard from me...it was a great asset to my audition and callback. Not only did in spur on discussion with the director during my audition ("where does your name come from?" etc), but also at the callbacks she remembered my name and me as opposed to everyone else who she had to have restate their names. So hey, whether weird or not, "Bellisant" is fucking memorable!

I will try to update more as the play begins and even talk about the world of On-Camera acting. However, as we have been working on commercials for the last 5 weeks there is not much to mention besides the need for your chin to be down and for you to be positive.

So that's my nut-shell and me. More soon! I promise.

What'd You Say Your Name Was Again?

So at a recent workshop, I was told by the teachers that my name was an issue. That agents/industry people would want me to change it to something easier to pronounce.

They weren't unkind. They were realistic and trying to be helpful.

My name is, after all, Bellisant Corcoran-Mathe. It's a zinger and I get why they brought it up. (The proper pronunciation sounds like Core-kren-May-th).

Let's get one thing straight though. I refuse to change my first name. It's taken me years to be comfortable with it and to have my friends call me that (not some warped version of it) and Hey!

It's fucking Bellisant?!?! It's so cool I don't need to add any numbers to it be an appropriate username.

As stripped of my individuality I may feel by the prospect of changing my last name in theatrical society, that feeling would be magnetized too greatly if I resorted to simplifying it even more.So it's staying.

Despite this, I was frustrated by this warranted news flash.

I hadn't necessarily loved my last name (or even my first name). I had always been aware of it's unpronounce-ability. It's been pronounced Cock-ren. Co-Core-ren. Math-ay. Mathy. Or just plain Math.

But it's my name. And even more so, It's my last name. I know a lot of people feel more defined by their first name than last, but I still have a connection to it. It serves as a banner for mothers who want their last name represented and not eliminated due to marriage. The "corcoran" also has a family story behind it.*

Besides the sentimental issues I'm running into I also need to assess the more practical points.

I really don't want to have to change my name legally since it will be a pain, but I know there may well be issues when it comes to getting paid for an acting gig or even (as one article mentioned) getting into doorman monitored studio spaces. So maybe it's too much of a hassle.

But the last few weeks since this workshop, I've been combing my mind for good last names.

I've delved into my favorite movies: Philadelphia Story...how about Lord? Or Haven? "Macaulay Connor's no home-spun tag, my pet."

Favorite books: Poirot = Bellisant Hastings (this is my choice only if I had a friend who could mutter in David Suchet's voice, "My dear Hastings.")

Irish heritage sites...French heritage sites...neither culture has the most pronounceable for 'Mericans.

It was fun coming up with them. And it was facinating to say the name out loud and immediately make a face of "meh" and chuck it off the jetty.

The sound of the name was so important as to whether it was considered or not. And mental connotations were a factor too (names can be like Rorschach tests).

All this has been surging in my mind and I've decided that I'm not going to risk going into an audition and fucking up my own name, "My name is Bellisant Cor...no, Langely."

So for now, I'll shorten it. Corcoran will do.

And everybody just better learn to pronounce it.

P.S. My mother says I'm not being foul-mouthed enough to warrant that self-proclaimed title for my blog. So this is for her...

FUCK 'EM!

*I shouldn't be a "corcoran". It was the name of my grandfather's step-father. I should in fact be a "Proulx" (pronounced "prue")...so another pronunciation nightmare for an audition monitor.

Chicago At Last

So I have finally arrived in Chicago last Saturday evening in a whirlwind of road tolls and stress . I spent the last week bouncing from apartment viewing to interview to Netflix and back again. All the while, my brain was waking me at ungodly hours reminding me of all my worries.

This weekend I took a workshop on the business of acting in Chicago and although I felt blessed by being given the opportunity so early in the game, when I left I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed.

Everyone was sweet, forthcoming and friendly to this blatant newbie and I took pages of notes that otherwise would have taken me years to learn. It was amazing meeting so many "full-time actors" and really inspired me to give it my all.

Throughout the workshop's question and answer portion, however, I didn't raise my hand.

"WHY NOT?" I hear a little person browsing this blog say.

While all the other comparably seasoned actors asked questions, I thought to myself, "You just got here, Bellisant, you must have so many questions. Say something." But only one question sat on the verge of my tongue waiting to be spoken...

How do you know if you're a good actor?

I didn't ask this, obviously, but I realized how big a concern it was for me. While everyone else was concerned they weren't booking the right jobs, I was worried I wasn't good enough to audition...not to be cast, but just to audition.

Now I don't want anyone to chime in with a comment and say, "How could you think that! You're an amazing actor!"

Not only does that do nothing to help (I am, after all, the one who has to have the confidence to audition, not my friends), but also I don't want to think I'm an "amazing" actor.

If I were to think I was the female Anthony Hopkins, a few things might occur:

Firstly, my confidence would be boosted (sure!), but it may translate into hubris and make more enemies than friends.

Secondly, it would probably set me up with a false sense of security and make me even lazier in honing my craft than I already am.

By knowing that I have much to learn about acting, it not only encourages me to take classes in pursuit of that pinnacle, but it allows acting to be about discovery.

Without that outlook, I may do the same acting shtick over and over without actually learning anything...

Without taking the time to notice the many facets I may be missing.

So I'm gonna go ahead and doubt myself.

After all, it would be oh so dull if I had confidence. And we can't have that!